november is not novembering

just two entires i made this october and november.

6 October 2023, 9:33 PM

i have no idea what has triggered it this time, but i am surely having a depressive episode. everything was fine when i had returned from london, but home no longer feels like a sensory safe space after living on my own for so long. what’s more is that it all suddenly feels too much; i am not sure how to pull myself out of darkness this time. 

it just hurts to think of all the failed relationships i have had and this weird, horrible pattern i have developed of attracting the same, aromantic, insensitive people. every time i make my expectations clear to my potential partner while telling them that i am an excessively emotional individual who craves intimacy more than anything else. yet, in spite of how much they initially agree, nothing ever works out. 

it is not as though i have great expectations. i mean, i currently have a long list of qualities i would ideally want my partner to have, but i have reached here after realising that settling for less than what i deserve only causes bitterness and resentment if the relationship does not ultimately work out — most people one attracts in today’s capitalist society are not the best in terms of human values, thus, i might as well attract an overachiever lacking values instead of an underachiever. 

the good news, of course, is that i have moved on from my ex-girlfriend. the bad news, however, remains that the ones who have entered my life after her have been equally detached and emotionless. i, quite obviously, do not want that. 

24 November 2023, 3:18 PM

a lot of stuff happened after the previous entry, but i still feel as if i am back to square one.

to begin with, i attracted a person who seems to have all the qualities i had been looking for in my potential partner. however, given how uncertain i still am about what i ought to do with my life, these heterosexual relationships just trigger a lot of insecurities in me. 

alongside that, i got my dissertation scores and while i am proud of all the efforts i had put into my work, i, once again, know for certain than i deserved so much more than what i ultimately got. i recognise how important positive thinking is. thus, as i acknowledge that i have not received what i desperately wanted, i do so with a lot of faith in my almighty for i know if there is one thing that seems lost to me, there are tens of my wishes that are going to get fulfilled in the near future. 

also, it is november — one of those months that make me feel disturbed due to all the trauma i attach to it. thankfully, of course, november is not novembering the same way this year. hopefully, june, august, november will be much, much better in 2024.