reflections (iii)

people who know how to romanticise their lives have it a lot easier than the rest of us — things just always miraculously work out for them. i often wonder why some individuals are always happy, how they have the ability to acquire quirks from here and there, and what it is that makes others seek their company all the time. 

i’d be lying if i said i’ve been able to figure out the response to that. 

well, they say happiness is a choice. if that’s the case, then i am sure it is a really tough choice to act upon. i am aware of that because i, in spite of wanting to be happy and after doing everything i felt i needed to do, have been doing happiness wrong, all along. 

things were different when i was a child, though. back then, even dubbed animes about the mundane lives of certain fictional characters living in tokyo would add magic to my life. i wasn’t an overachiever or a straight-a student as an eight-year-old, but was so much happier. 

is capitalism responsible for my sadness or did i, one day, just get lazy and stopped faking it till i could make it? 

nevertheless, it’s weird how powerfully destructive my happiness can get, at times. i believe the darkest phases in my life have always been a result of my blissful ignorance during moments of extreme joy. this makes me question myself on whether it was i whose negative energy “manifested” the global pandemic three years back. as delusional as it sounds, the timing of it was perfectly in sync with the deterioration of my mental health. 

over the past few years, i have grown a lot spiritually. however, what i continue to struggle with are my feelings of anger, frustration, pain, and the perpetual gloom.