reflections (ii)

i now realise that it wasn’t the ptsd symptoms that were bothering me 3 years back. it was seasonal depression.
not having enough energy to get out of bed, feeling hopeless all the time, not being able to read or study, everything seems to be linked to depression. or maybe, it is simply ptsd that is hitting me again.
every time i feel productive or proud of myself, something unpleasant happens and my life suddenly becomes so difficult that i begin to feel it isn’t worth living. my happiness journals become tough to fill with me forgetting almost everything good that might’ve happened in the past 24/48 hours. a weird sort of an envy crawls under my skin and makes me realise that almost everyone i know is doing much, much better. to make matters worse, the deepest, darkest memories of my past come back until i feel nothing but ashamed of how immature my coping mechanisms have been since 2020.
i don’t know when it’ll all get better for me. i have no idea if i’ll ever recover. all i know is that i can’t and don’t want to live like this anymore.



  1. Depression is difficult. And dangerous. Seeing a shrink helps. But not always.
    Two tips: take long walks if you can, wherever you live…
    Then pick a tree. Poplars are the best but not readily available in all parts of the world. LOL.
    If you can, take a comfortable seat. And just look at the leaves. Very important ingredients. You need sun. (Which I suspect you have plenty) and just a bit of wind.
    Ready? You have all the ingredients?
    Now, just watch how the sun and wind/breeze play with the tree leaves.
    Just focus on the leaves. Try to empty your mind of anything else.
    How long? First session should be about 12 hours…
    Joking of course. A few seconds. A few minutes, whatever fits your schedule… (and your mood)


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